Cupboard Noises
by PhoenixFelicis
Summary: My first fic, and a Dramione at that! The noise going on behind the doors of the broom cupboard are so suspicious….Oh what are we to do?
1. Chapter 1

Cupboard Noises

By PhoenixFelicis

**A/N: Hi you guys! This is my first FanFic! I hope you enjoy!**

**Rating: Uhhhh, I think I'll just call it T, just in case for future chapters, okay?**

**Summary: The noise going on behind the doors of the broom cupboard are so suspicious….Oh what are we to do?**

**Disclaimer: For all my Harry Potter fanfics, J.K. Rowling is the owner, and I'm just revelling in her brilliance. Just face it, she's awesome, y'know?**

**Okay, on with the story!**

Chapter 1

It was a quiet evening at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Everyone was currently at the Great Hall eating dinner. Nothing was out of place. Not unless you looked at the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables. No, there, you actually had two very noticeable presences _not_ present. And of course, leave it to Blaise Zabini in Slytherin and the two-thirds of the Golden Trio in Gryffindor, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, to actually figure out who were the missing parties from both of their tables.

"Have you seen Hermione?" Harry asked.

"No, mate. Reckon she's in the library doing homework?" Ron asked Harry.

"Well, it is Hermione. No doubt she's gone from homework to making love to the books in the Ancient Runes and Arithmancy section," Harry said with a completely straight face before they both broke down in a tiny fit of giggles. They've always wondered if the Gryffindor bookworm ever _did_ make love to the books, because she always spent so much time at the library, and they've even jokingly asked her that, to have ended up with the result of getting the cold shoulder for a week—no copying off of her assignments that is. They only went there for books and required reading, because nobody wants to be bothered to be near Madam Pince, the Hogwarts Librarian. Not unless you have the desire of going deaf in one or both ears the rest of the day.

"Want to go to the library and check for her there?" Harry said after their little laughing fit subsided.

"Sure, I'm game, as soon as I finish my treacle tart. Good stuff, mate. Good stuff."

"You eat too much Ron, you know that?" Harry said with amusement at his friend.

"Yeah, and that's why I'm taller than you, Shorty," Ron sniggered.

"Get stuffed," Harry said, punching Ron in the arm, but going back to his dinner all the same.

_Meanwhile, at the Slytherin table..._

"Oi, Nott!" Blaise called to Theodore, resident Slytherin and one of his friends/ usual Potions partner.

"Oi yourself, Zabini! What do you want?" Theodore questioned lazily. It wouldn't be the first time or probably the last time that Blaise would probably need him for homework copying. He was only third at the top of their year, the top being of course but who else: Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy, preferably in that order, thank you _very_ much. But seeing as Draco Malfoy wasn't around for Blaise to copy his homework (in which the normal response from him would be to sod off), Theodore knew he was the next in line for Draco's position at the moment. He didn't exactly see the point in entertaining Blaise at the moment, but he thought that he'll bite at it anyway. "I'm eating, so make it quick, I gotta go to the library."

"Well in that case," Blaise said with a smirk, "have you seen Draco? I haven't seen him since Quidditch practice this evening. I kinda need him for something."

"What, Potions homework?" Theodore snorted.

"No, that's what I got _you_ for," Blaise retorted.

"Wow, real cute, Zabini."

"Yeah, just like your mother."

"Oi you bastard—"

"Anybody seen my Drakey?" Pansy Parkinson decides as the time to intervene. Squabble forgotten for the time being, they turn to her with curiosity.

"You mean you haven't seen him either, Panse?" Blaise directed.

"No, but if you find him, let me know. _I've got a little something to show him_," she sang-song at the end and left the Great Hall. Both Blaise and Theodore shuddered.

"Bloody hell, if even Pansy hasn't seen him, what are we gonna do?" Blaise asked.

"Want to look in the library? He probably stopped there for a book on Charms," Theodore queried.

"Draco's got a problem in the Charms department?" Blaise asked.

"No, Draco's got a problem in the happy department, dumbass. I don't _know_," Theodore said sarcastically as they arose from their seats and left the Great Hall, unbeknownst to them that Harry and Ron were heading in the exact same direction.

**A/N: So… what did you think? Reviews are like Chocolate Frogs, so please hit the button! The story continues!**

**Phoenix :D**


	2. Chapter 2

Cupboard Noises

By PheonixFelicis

**Summary: The noise going on behind the doors of the broom cupboard are so suspicious….Oh what are we to do?**

**Disclaimer: For all my Harry Potter fanfics, J.K. Rowling is the owner, and I'm just reveling in her brilliance. Just face it, she's awesome, y'know?**

**I've been at work on a paper for a professor, who kindly informed me that "Dem's the brakes" when it comes to college. In other news, I've been at work on the story despite my slow computer. For those that reviewed, favorited and alerted my story, many thanks, because this story is about to get fun.**

**Warning: a lot of innuendos. Might actually be too funny for the faint of heart, and you may need a doctor after you bust a gut. I suggest putting St. Mungo's on speed dial.**

**Oh yeah, in case of a timeline, it's their seventh year, and Ron still a Prefect, but Hermione's the Head Girl, and Draco's the Head Boy.**

**Okay, on with the story!**

Harry and Ron walked down the hall on the way to the library, when they say Blaise and Theodore huddled around the broom cupboard.

"Hey Harry, say what do you think those two knuckleheads are doing?" Ron asked.

"Beats me, but it looks like their having a huddle up meeting in the Hall is gonna be problematic if they're not careful," Harry said. Ron gave him a confused look.

"Huddle up?" he said.

"It's a Muggle thing," Harry said, and Ron nodded in finality, with the thoughts of _Bloody hell, Muggles are so complicated_ circling his head. As they neared to two Slytherins, Harry cleared his throat and they jumped up from their position.

"Sweet Merlin!" Blaise exclaimed.

"I like to think I am," Theodore quipped.

"And I like to think that you should shut up Theo, but then I realized that we all can't get what we want," Blaise said and smirked when Theodore gave him the finger lazily. "So, if it isn't two-thirds of the Gryffindor Goody Goodies. How can we _not_ help you?"

"First of all, how about I take ten points from Slytherin for disrespecting a Prefect, Zabini? You wouldn't mind that would you? Of course not, so thanks." Ron said sweetly and Harry smirked at their faces and at the fact that they couldn't do anything about it. See, sometimes you gotta realize that pissing off Slytherins was fun.

"Now that we've got _that_ out of the way, what are you and Nott doing here?"

Indignant over the loss of House points, Theodore decided that a little revenge was in order.

"Hearing two people shag in the broom cupboard, Weasel. Why, you wanna hear too?" Ron looked disgusted.

"Ughhh, you two listen to people shag?" Ron asked. Harry could only shake his head and put in his hands.

"And you two don't?" Blaise said with a straight face.

"No, that's more of a private thing. Not cool dude." Harry said.

"OH GOD!" A female voice said.

All four boys instantly huddled around the cupboard door.

"In that case, screw this, we're in," Harry and Ron said.

"Ouch, you're hurting me!"

"Holy shit! _Hermione_?" Ron and Harry said at the same time.

"Malfoy, stop!" Hermione said.

"_Draco_?" Theodore and Blaise said together.

"That one really big stick," Hermione said.

"Wow, so sorry for inconveniencing you. It's not my fault you're a tight fit," Draco drawled.

Not only single boy there breathed a sound.

"Well just so you know, this isn't my first time." Hermione said.

Ron's mouth dropped open.

"No way, you've done this before?" Draco said.

"All the time". Now it was Harry's turn to drop his jaw.

"Have you even seen one this big before?"

"Yeah, I've seen Harry's all the time. It's quite big and thick, but not like yours, it's pretty sleek. Still pretty big though."

"Oh. My. God, mate. You let 'Mione see your you-know-what?" Ron said in a mortified voice.

"No!" Harry said, his face deeply beet red from Hermione's description of his junk.

"Honestly, I didn't think you had any balls, or a good broomstick. Good for you Potter, good for you," Blaise said, patting Harry on the back.

"No seriously, it's not like that!" Harry said, but it fell on deaf ears as Hermione started again.

"I've seen Ron's a few times too, but put it like this, he's seriously got the build for it. I mean his is so heavy, I'm wondering if I'd actually break underneath it. Carrying that thing is some seriously hard work." Hermione said.

On the outside, Ron got rounded on by the other three boys. Ron went pale one second, and then went Weasley beet red the next.

"Damn, Weasley, you've got a big thing too? _And_ you're breaking off a piece of that too? Nice work," Blaise smirked.

"Three words, Zabini: Go. To. Hell. And while you're there, go fuck yourself." Ron growled.

"Well, If I do, I'll still be getting more than _you _ever did, wouldn't it, Weasley?" Blaise said with a sneer and smirked when Ron couldn't give a comeback.

"Shut up! I can't hear!" Harry said.

"Yeah! If you two want to bitch and make out with each other, go find a closet or something! Potter and I are listening!" Theodore said. He and Harry high fived, and went back to listening to the door.

Grumbling about settling this later, Ron and Blaise grudgingly went back to the door.

"Ouch, watch where you stick that thing!" Hermione said.

"I told you it was big, Granger, get over it."

"That thing needs its own room, and you keep it with you all the time?"

"Can't help if it's always in demand." Draco chuckled.

"Damn, I always knew Draco got around, but _damn_." Ron breathed.

"How in demand?"

"You've seen the wood before, you tell _me_."

"HOLY CRICKET Malfoy!"

"Yep, it vibrates just like that, Granger."

The fact that the male quartet wasn't even disgusted anymore by this conversation made it even more disgusting.

"So, do you think I grab it for a while?" Hermione said.

"No, borrow Potter or Weasley's." Draco said.

"_Seriously_? You guys are so getting laid tonight," Theodore said. Harry and Ron both gave him the finger and Blaise smirked.

"Please?" Hermione begged.

"Alright, alright, just come by tomorrow, same place, and I let you have it." Oh crap.

The door opened and the two walked out, but what they saw wasn't exactly what they were expecting.

**A/N: This was fun! Hope you read and review, I think I'm gonna have one last chapter ready for you guys soon!**

**Love,**

**Phoenix :D**


	3. Chapter 3

Cupboard Noises

By PhoenixFelicis

**A/N: Hey ho! **

**I am so sorry about not updating for this story and putting it on hold guys. I have been seriously busy with my papers and homework, and trying to find some time for this story has been difficult. I appreciated that you guys have been exceedingly patient for this… A lot of you guys want to know what happened in the broom cupboard between Hermione and Draco, and this chapter shall finally explain all. Unfortunately, this is the end of the Cupboard Noises story, but for those who subscribed me as their favorite author and everything, be sure to check for my new story, Twins and Brothers, coming soon! (I'm still working on it though.)**

**Personally, I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed, favorited, and alerted my story, because this is my first story on the website. It totally makes me proud to see people look at my story and think that it's cool. I honestly feel welcome to the Fanfic site! So yeah, thank you soooo much, and I hope you'll enjoy the conclusion of this story and my next ones in the future!**

**Summary: The noise going on behind the doors of the broom cupboard are so suspicious….Oh what are we to do?**

**Disclaimer: For all my Harry Potter fanfics, J.K. Rowling is the owner, and I'm just reveling in her brilliance. Just face it, she's awesome, y'know?**

**Okay, on with the story!**

"Merlin's pants_, Harry? Ron?_" said Hermione.

"Dear, Merlin! _Blaise, Theo?_" said Draco.

"What're you guys doing here?" they said together.

All four of the boys looked dead embarrassed at being caught.

"Uhh, we- we were just-"

"Going to the library to look for you two, but I guess we're good! So like those American Muggle hippies say, 'Peace Out dude'!" Blaise and Theodore ran in the opposite direction of the library and didn't stop until they made it to the dungeons. That left Harry and Ron gobsmacked. Trust Slytherins to bail at the last minute.

"So, Potty and Weasel. What's your excuse?" Draco said.

"Same thing, _ferret_," Ron said stiffly.

"Why are your cheeks red like that? You guys looked awfully embarrassed," Hermione observed.

"Oh screw this," Harry said. "We heard you two in there! What're you thinking, 'Mione?"

"WHAT!" Hermione and Draco said.

"Yeah, we all know that Malfoy's a freakin' ferret, so why were you banging him in the closet!" Ron exclaimed.

"And why were you discussing our penises in there? I don't need anybody knowing _that_! So stop talking about how big they are," Harry nearly screamed red with embarrassment.

Both Draco and Hermione stood with their mouths open. This might've been the most ruddy embarrassing conversation ever, because by now students and staff were pouring out the Great Hall to see what the commotion was about between Slytherin and Gryffindor now. As they listened in on the conversation, they were astounded. The staff decided to let this play out and not intervene until the hexes came out, but you could see how intrigued they were.

"Wow, Weasley and Potter's got some big broomsticks?"

"Damn, who knew they had the equipment? _Dayum_!"

"Shit, who knew that Weasley and Potter were packing an extra-large wand?"

However, don't let it be said that the teachers weren't responsible.

After muttering "_Sonorus!_" to have her voice carry out through the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall said, "All student return to your dormitories. This is a matter of privacy for these students, in which our presence is not allowed. If I see any students walking about I will take ten points per student according to house. That is all."

Ron then took advantage of this point by saying "That's it, nothing to see folks…. What are you doing, you stupid sods, get the stepping! You heard McGonagall, the show's bloody over you dumbasses!"

As the Hall cleared out, Harry continued the discussion at hand. "So, why were you in the cupboard anyway?"

"Honestly, I wanted to see Draco's broomstick," Hermione said sheepishly and then looked appalled at the look on Harry and Ron's face. "Wait, no, I didn't mean it like that!"

"Then what _did_ you mean, then?" Ron said, looking like his heart was about to give out. Honestly, this was beginning to be a lot more than he could take.

"Yeah, just spit it out. If you and Malfoy weren't having a shag in the closet, then what were you doing in there?" Harry said wearily.

"Oh, alright, I was asking Draco to borrow the new broomstick he bought and was checking it out in the boom closet. I wanted to make sure it was a good deal because we were going to be flying together on Saturday, remember? I didn't have one, so I needed to borrow one. I was in the broom closet as a secret transfer point so that no one found out about our deal."

"You borrowed from _Malfoy_ of all people?" Harry asked.

"Screw that! Since when are you on a first name basis with Draco bloody Malfoy?" Ron screeched.

"Oh shut up, both of you, it's not like we're dating," Hermione said tiredly.

"And you better well not," Ron growled. "I swear Malfoy, you ever touch her again, and I'll cut your bloody balls off."

"Ooh, violent are we Weasley? Well, if you do decide to—oh what is it again? '_Cut my bloody balls off_'—I can only guess that they'll be two more than you already have, hmm?" Draco said dryly as Ron jumped at him and Harry tried to hold him back. "Make sure that you take care of the merchandise though, because even if you got those through illegal means," Draco said in his face, goading in on even further, which resulted in fully pissing him off even more, "The Malfoy balls will still have more worth than you could get your hands on." He backed out of Ron's face, smirk set in place over successfully pissing him off.

"Come on Ron, he's a dick. He's not worth it," Harry said soothingly, trying to get Ron to relax so that no House points will be taken if he decides to thump Malfoy now, even though later he might set him loose.

"Yeah, I guess not," Ron said in a submissive voice, and then smiled nastily to Draco. Twenty points from Slytherin for being a total dick to a prefect," Ron said, and then he and Harry happily skipped back to Gryffindor Tower in a happy mood over Slytherin's loss of House points. You could totally tell that they were all for anything that took that prick down a peg, or four.

Draco seethed at the points loss, and then looked to Hermione, moving to embrace her. "You know, you're gonna have to tell them sometime, right?"

"Well maybe, but that sometime isn't right now," Hermione said as she moved into Draco's arms.

"How very Slytherin of you," Draco smirked, and then painted a soft kiss along her lips.

"So, do Potter and Weasley really have big broomsticks?" Draco asked, waggling his eyebrows in time with the suggestive innuendo.

"Well, how about we go back into that broom closet and we make a comparison, then?" Hermione asked suggestively.

Draco gave a dirty grin. "Bring the ruler," he said huskily, as they make their way back to the cupboard, his new broom on the ground, forgotten in their lust.

**A/N: And that's it folks, Hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving! And don't forget to look out for my new story, Twins and Brothers, coming soon! If any of you think I should turn this one story into a series, let me know; I'd be happy to oblige. Thank you guys so much!**

**Phoenix :D**


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